Being diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder

“You have two choice’s….extreme medical intervention or inpatient admission. You can’t control this. It’s a psychological disorder. You have Binge Eating Disorder.”

When I was a teen I vaguely remember reading about the term “Binge Eating Disorder” in my medical books. Yes, even as a teen I wondered what was wrong with me. Why I couldn’t stop eating. Why was I 13 and sneaking food? Why was I  12 and weighing 250 pounds while still being active? Why I was in kindergarten and eating food from other kid’s lunchboxes. I couldn’t put the food down. All it took was one bite of a trigger food and *bam* it was all over. As I grew up the weight continued to drift higher and higher. On plan eating through the day or week would be thrown off by binges where thousands of calories were consumed in a short period of time. A day or two worth of calories all downed in a matter of hours.

The weight continued to increase.

For 10 years, it was coupled by bulimia which is an additional eating disorder where food is purged through self-induced vomiting, however, more often than not….I kept the food down. The cycle of binge…..guilt…new resolve….diet/restrict…..binge….guilt….new resolve….diet/restrict has been in play in my life since I was a child.

Working with a therapist now who specializes in eating disorders, I am now finally seeing how my eating disorder formed and the protective role it played in my life. We were very poor growing up so when food was available and meals were cooked, you ate until you were full and you cleaned every bit of your plate. I remember eating ketchup sandwiches because there was no food and one night even going to bed on an empty stomach. Food insecurity was a very real experience.  My mother, suffering from binge eating disorder herself, would bond with me over food. When she had extra money we would sneak away and visit multiple fast food restaurants, eating burgers from here…fried chicken from here….eating until I was beyond full, but I loved spending time with her. I needed love. Food was love. Her weight would later take her life at 550 pounds.

When I was little, the weight also played a protective role for me. Growing up sexually abused and physically abused by so many, the weight was my protector. I didn’t want to be touched and if I was, I would have this huge suit of armor to protect me. When I was, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I ate my emotions. My size also made me intimidating at school. Being bullied for being poor and wearing tattered clothes….I had fewer bullies….sure…I still was bullied mercilessly and sometimes violently by those tougher than me, but I was more intimidating with my size so the bullying was less than what my peers experienced. As a teen, major depressive disorder began to sink in and we didn’t have the money to continue my medication so I went unmedicated which threw gasoline on the flames. Then came the deaths of multiple family members, including my mother and abusive father. Then came the stalking. By 24 I was a suicidally depressed mess….and working my way towards 500 pounds.  I hid in food. I ate. I drank. I kept to myself. All weight loss efforts failed. Exercise, diet, fasting, pills, everything would eventually come undone in a matter of weeks or months. It took me until my 30’s to realize, I needed a comprehensive plan of action including eating disorder therapy – Thank God my insurance covers it because before there is no way I could afford it! – along with medical intervention – whether it be surgery or intensive binge eating disorder therapy.

I started seeing my eating disorder therapist and learning more about binge eating disorder. We started working through my emotional issues. We still are. Chipping away at the perfect storm of a difficult life that create an outlet of food for me. I love my body and what it does for me. I love it for taking care of me and protecting me all these years. Now it’s finally my turn to take care of it. I’ve worked hard on my self acceptance and self esteem but the binge eating disorder is still with me. Now I’m working on relearning food behaviors. Relearning emotion management. Relearning coping mechanism. Addressing my past. It’s a long journey, but finally putting a name to the face that’s haunted my life for decades is oddly comforting.

For more information about binge eating disorder visit the National Eating Disorder Association

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8 thoughts on “Being diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder

  1. Its very Important to seek medical attention rather than trying to fighting it alone .. Thanks for sharing and it will definitely help many others

  2. Its the best plan that you have now.You are brave and a survivor.If you have come so far ,God has a plan for you.Thank you for sharing your story I am sure it will help many.

  3. fitslowcookerqueen

    Thank you for the courage to share your journey and bring awareness to this cause. I’m glad to read you’re on the right path to healing!

  4. First of all kudos to you for sharing your story with everybody. Eating disorders are not easy to cure but good that you are seeing a therapist. All the best to you. Hugs.

  5. Oh my got, I really got lot emotional reading this all out! I can no way think what all you must have went through in life bearing all this.. Wishing you good luck with the therapist & hoping you to recover from this disorder soon.

  6. Mae

    You are so brave to share this! I cannot even begin to imagine the guilt and pain you go through what you went through. I admire your courage and resolve to break the disorder and to love yourself more. Please know you are inspiring other people by your words and courage.

    Mae | http://www.thegospelofbeauty.org

  7. so many mixed feelings. Im so sorry you had to go through all these things. Im sending you a big hug. Im so ungry with society that put you through these things. And Im very, very happy that you are so strong that you managed to break the cycle and start the recovering journey. Best of luck with everything, you know you can always reach me on my blog anytime if you need to talk!

  8. Amber

    I’m sure this difficult to go through. I’m so glad you are getting help. I’m so glad you are so open about this–I’m sure it can help others going through the same thing.

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